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This Blog's Purpose

The purpose of this blog is solely for me. The entries are nothing but my ramblings. I do no proofreading, no editing, no filtering. 100% honest thoughts. Will this help me lose weight? I don't know. We'll see. "They" say to keep a weight-loss journal. I've never done it in the past, and that didn't really work. So now I'm going to try it. I'm not sure who needs more luck, me, or anyone who comes across this blog and actually reads it!

WARNING!!!

This blog contains pictures that may not be suitable for some viewers.
Viewing this blog may cause side effects such as nausea and vomiting.
Do not view immediately prior to or following a meal. Unless, of course, you're trying to lose weight also, then I'm sure the pictures on this site will be a great appetite suppresant!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Tuesday, February 23, 2010 (Day 31)

Oh boy, what a day yesterday was!  Work was awful.  Not awful, but way too busy to be good.  I think it all just broke yesterday because I’m having PMS.  I’ve been working non-stop 9-12 hour days for the last 2 weeks.  I haven’t taken a lunch.  I haven’t taken a break.  I’ve been holding my bladder for way longer than I ever should.  Now I’m pretty sure I have a urinary tract infection, or am getting close.  I’m going to start bleeding in a couple days.  I’m exhausted.  I didn’t even have time to go to the office fridge and get my Slim-Fast so I ended up eating my Fiber One bar for lunch.  I got home exhausted, stressed, angry, starving.  Oh yeah, I will also mention that I have been working my ass off and yesterday one of the half-dozen attorneys that I’m trying to do work for at the moment, got testy with me about not having started his crap.  I told him Friday evening that I had time to help him.  Something more important came up and I had to do it all day yesterday.  So there was that.  Plus my pee hurting.  Then I had to stay 30 minutes late at work, so when I went for the train/bus I ended up waiting out in the cold for 30 minutes for the train and another 30 for the bus.  I was freezing and angry and tired, and exhausted, and blah, blah, blah.  I bought the kids Happy Meals for dinner since it was 8:00 at night and I didn’t feel like cooking.  I got home and ate Frosted Mini Wheats.  Good for me, right?  But then I was still stressed and angry and exhausted, etc.  So I got out the Pub Mix from Sunday.  YUM!  I ate as much as I possibly could.  Then I noticed Cayden had eaten the hamburger but left his bun.  So I ate his bun.  Hey, I didn’t have a hamburger to eat, but maybe a bun with ketchup and mustard would make me happy.  No.  It wasn’t good, but I ate it anyway.  I would have eaten sweets if there were any in the house.  I wanted a piece of cake or brownie or SOMETHING.  But we had nothing.  I had a piece of licorice, which I don’t like, so it REALLY wasn’t satisfying.  Then I felt guilty.  Now my stomach hurts.  Whatever.  Work is going a little better.  I got an unbelievable amount of work done this morning and am finally caught up.  At least everything is in someone else’s court for the time being.  

Oh, and I woke up sick this morning.  I woke up at 5:00 to exercise.  My throat was killing me and my nose and head are so stuffed up!  I decided with how work is going and how I’m feeling, I was better off with sleep.  I want to binge on something more today, but I’m trying not to.  I’m trying to convince myself that all is not lost and I can still salvage this week’s hope for weight loss even though I binged 2 days already.  I think I’m going to take a nap and then drink my Slim-Fast.  Let’s hope I do okay when I get home from work tonight!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Monday, February 22, 2010 (Day 30)

One month of dieting and exercising down.  In that month I’ve binged twice and not exercised once.  Binge one was on the Super Bowl and Ray and Cayden’s birthday.  I think acceptable.  Binge two was yesterday.  Not nearly like the first one.  I got home from church.  First, I should mention that I had been craving chips and salsa the night before, or maybe it was Friday.  I didn’t cave.  I did good.  I got home from church.  I was hungry.  Ray was eating chips and salsa.  I threw up my hands and went for it.  I ate as much as I wanted.  I’ve also been wanting to eat the pub mix we have in our pantry from the super bowl/birthday party.  I got it out and ate as much as I wanted.  I looked at the calories after I was done and realized it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought.  130 calories in ½ cup.  I wasn’t measuring of course, but there’s no way I ate more than 2 cups.  I would have been okay had I forgone the chips.  Well, I paid for it.  I took a short nap and I woke up sick to my stomach.  The rest of the day and evening I felt like total crap.  I felt nauseated and bloated and I wanted to throw up.  I took some Pepto before bed and I pooped 4 times this morning before I left for work.  Awful.  Serves me right though!  I’ll probably do it again, but whatever.  On a happy note is that when  I weighed in yesterday, I am at 208.  I think I’m really at 207 because that’s what I was a couple days before, but I was bloated yesterday even before my chips and mix binge.  I think it was from the frozen burritos Friday.  I was within my calories with them, but they probably have a lot of sodium.  But, we’ll still say 208.  And that is the number I had for next Sunday’s goal.  So I’m ahead of schedule.  Wahoo!  Ray broke my water bottle because somehow it slid under his recliner and when he went to close it, it gauged a hole in my bottle.  So I’m drinking from a regular plastic cup today.  I hope I can keep it full enough to drink as much as I should. 

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Thursday, February 18, 2010 (Day 26)

I didn’t exercise yesterday morning.  I fell asleep on the couch the night before and didn’t get in bed until midnight.  With how work’s been going, I decided I needed sleep more than exercise.  So when I got home last night I exercised on the treadmill.  I typically walk for an hour at 3.2.  I walked for an hour, but about 40 minutes of it was at 3.3.  It seemed okay.  I think that will be my new speed.  I didn’t want to eat the chicken helper Ray made because he cooked the chicken in a lot of butter.  Then the helper was made with butter and whole milk.  No thanks.  So I ate frosted mini wheats for dinner.  I broke down and weighed myself this morning.  I’m at 207.  Yes, 207!  I was planning to be at 209 by this coming Sunday, so I’m way ahead of track.  One of these days I’m going to give myself a day off and remind my body I’m not starving.  But it feels good to be losing weight.  Again, I didn’t exercise this morning.  My body is a little sore from last night, and I was really tired.  I also used the 3 pound weights last night on the treadmill.  So I guess I’ll be exercising again this evening.  Hopefully Survivor is on so it will go faster.  I’m sick of the Olympics and how they’re cancelling my shows.  It’s hard to be on the treadmill for an hour when nothing is on.

 

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Wednesday, February 17, 2010 (Day 25)

I’ve been crazy busy, and haven’t been able to post an update.  In fact, I shouldn’t be now, but I’m way too excited today!  I weighed in on Sunday and I’m at 211.  I’m happy with that.  After all, 2 pounds per week is my goal, and that’s right on.  Although I was secretly hoping for more.  I did good on Valentine’s Day.  I avoided eating the heart shaped pancakes for breakfast.  I didn’t eat any chocolate or other V-Day candy.  We were planning to take the kids to the park and have a healthy picnic of Subway on Monday for Cayden’s birthday, but it was raining (stupid weather man).  So we ended up at the indoor playground at McDonalds instead.  I took my Slim-Fast and drank it while Ray ate his Mac Snack Wraps and the kids ate their cheeseburgers and fries.  I wasn’t tempted, believe it or not.  I am certainly getting divine intervention this time because it’s not even willpower, it’s that I don’t even really want junk.  I didn’t eat any of Cayden’s birthday cake.  I’m feeling really good about things.

So, now, for the exciting part!  I put on my wedding ring this morning and it FITS!  I can’t even count how many months I’ve been without it.  Yes, it’s tight, but I can get it on and off without worrying that it will be stuck.  So I’m wearing it today.  YAY!!!  Suck that Inge!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Friday, February 12, 2010 (Day 20)

I feel like crap.  I feel fat and ugly.  THIS is the reason I’d decided not to weigh myself more than once per month.  But could I follow through with it?  No.  I’m an idiot.  I was starving last night.  I ate a Fiber One bar before leaving work.  Then I ate some beef jerky I had in the car on the way home.  Then I got home and ate leftover pork for dinner.  When Cayden’s tater tots were done, I ate a ton of them with ketchup.  I did manage to avoid the fry sauce.  But still!!!  I was thinking it’s okay, I’m been low on calories for days and that’s not right.  I couldn’t have eaten more than 1600 calories yesterday (probably more around 1400).  I woke up this morning, but instead of exercising I searched for a picture of Ray and me to put on Facebook for Valentine’s Day.  Didn’t find a picture.  Didn’t exercise.  Didn’t sleep.  Didn’t clean.  Pointless.  Then I weighed myself this morning.  Maybe I was expecting to have lost weight this week and I thought it would make me feel better about not exercising or eating all those tater tots.  Did it?  Hell no!  I weight 214 today.  What?  I gained another pound this week?  Is it still going up from Sunday?  Did tater tots really make me that much heavier?  Was it the salt on the tater tots making me bloat?  I know I ate so much that I felt sick last night.  And sick at my stomach this morning too.  Live and learn, I guess.  So now I’m going to be bummed all day.  I’ve been dreading exercising because I have a pinched nerve or something in my leg.  It’s right where my left leg and stomach come together (the crease where you bend your leg, by your thigh).  It’s in the very front.  It hurts to walk.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I’ve been exercising despite that though, so that doesn’t explain the weight gain.  Besides the food last night, and Sunday, I’ve been really low on my calorie intake.  I don’t get it.  Whatever.  I’ll go back to weighing each Sunday and see how that goes.  If I don’t lose each week with that, I’ll go to weighing once a month (if I can).  Blah.

 

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Wednesday, February 10, 2010 (Day 18)

I fell asleep on the couch last night.  As you may realize, the couch doesn’t have an alarm like my bedroom.  I woke up at 5:55 (instead of 5:00).  I thought about skipping my exercising, but didn’t want to.  So I worked out for 35 minutes.  That’s better than zero, but not as good as my hour.  I used the 3 pound hand weights to make it a little better.  My shins were killing me so I rotated between 3.2 and 3 mph.  I weighed myself this morning (I have been worrying about the weight I put on Sunday from all that food).  I weight 212.  So I’m totally back on track regardless of all the crap I ate Sunday.  Heck, maybe I’ll allow myself a free day once per week.  Probably not, but maybe.  Maybe once or twice a month.  Feeling good but I’m really tired.  The house is a pig sty because we got DirecTV this week, plus Ray got his PS3, there are boxes everywhere and the stuff hooked to the TV is all over the place.  Oh, and Ray got Rock Band, so the instruments are everywhere.  It’s been making me crazy but I haven’t had time to clean up.  Maybe tonight. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Stupid Chinese Food!

I just overheard a couple of the attorneys talking.  They just got back from the food court and went to the Chinese food place, Chan Chun.  Apparently, if you go after 3:00 they load you up for $3.99.  They got fried rice, chow mein, and like 6 different entrees and they threw in free egg rolls.  Sheesh.  Now I’m craving Chinese SOOO bad!  It isn’t bad enough that I love Chinese food.  It makes it so much worse that I love a bargain and I love getting a lot of food for little money.  Stupid diet.  I’m not going to go, I’m not going to go, I’m not going to go.  And it probably doesn’t help that I’m bored out of my mind and have been sitting here doing nothing for 2 hours.

 

Tuesday, February 9, 2010 (Day 17)

Well, I did it!  I actually exercised when I got home from work last night!  Ray was sleeping when I got home, so I took the opportunity to work out.  We switched from Comcast to DirecTV and the television wasn’t working.  I didn’t want to go on the treadmill with no tv.  Talk about torture!  So I got out one of my exercise videos – Leslie Sansone’s Walk & Slim – 4 mile walk at home.  I love it!  It actually tired me out and made me sore!  It’s an hour, and you walk in place but also do knee lifts, side steps, kicks, and also things with your arms like raising them up and out, etc.  Then you work with a stretchy band thing.  So I’m a little sore.  Thing is that I wasn’t hungry after working out.  I forced myself to eat a small bowl of frosted mini wheats.  So I think I had a total of about 750 – 800 calories yesterday.  I’ll try not to make that a habit.  I feel okay about it since I ate so much Sunday.  I’m certainly keeping my body confused, that’s for sure!  Then I woke up and exercised this morning also.  I did the same workout video.  Still wore me out.  Still sore.  I think it’s a good jump in intensity for week 3.  Not too much, but enough.

 

Monday, February 8, 2010

Monday, February 8, 2010 (Day 16)

It’s weird, but I actually feel good today.  I decided I can’t wait 4 weeks to weigh myself.  I decided once weekly is just fine and can keep me on track (either from losing too much or too little).  I weighed myself yesterday morning and was 212.  For some reason I was thinking I weighed 214 last week.  So I was pleased that I was right on track.  On track even though I had eaten that Café Rio salad that was not the healthy one I ordered.  So I was feeling good.  But, yesterday was the Super Bowl.  Yesterday was also a party for Ray and Cayden.  I prepared several game time appetizers and dinner and two kinds of cake and also cupcakes.  I decided I didn’t have to be on a diet yesterday.  I decided I’ve worked hard and I can enjoy myself on an occasion like this.  The Super Bowl and their birthdays only comes around once per year.  It took me a little bit of talking through, but I eventually agreed to let myself eat freely yesterday.  I enjoyed everything.  Way too much.  But it was so great!  I actually filled up on appetizers so by the time dinner came around I wasn’t all that hungry.  I hadn’t eaten anything all day long, and it was 4:30 when we started the appetizers.  I can’t even guess how many calories I ate yesterday!  5000?  Who knows!  I felt sort of bad.  Plus, I was so busy cooking and trying to prepare everything yesterday (plus going to church) that I was only able to walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes.  I did use the 3 pounds weights though.  Then, we got home so late and I stayed up even later, it was about midnight by the time I got in bed.  No way I was going to wake up at 5:30 and exercise and try to go to work.  So I skipped the exercise this morning.  I’m going to try to do it when I get home tonight, but Ray is off work so it most likely won’t happen.  We’ll see.  Then I got to work and when I looked at my calendar I realized that I didn’t weigh in at 214 last week, I weighed in at 216!  So really I lost 4 pounds last week!  I weighed myself this morning just to see how bad the damage was.  I am at 213.  So really I lost 3 pounds last week (taking into account what I put on yesterday).  I’m thrilled!  I obviously don’t feel deprived (because I wasn’t yesterday – hello huge piece of chocolate cake and funfetti cupcake with blue frosting and sprinkles!).  It was a little hard getting back on track this morning though.  I was close to eating several deviled eggs for breakfast instead of my Slim-Fast.  And I was so close to bringing BBQ spare ribs for lunch today, instead of my Slim-Fast.  But I didn’t.  I’m drinking my water and Slim-Fast and feeling good about it. 

Friday, February 5, 2010

Friday, February 5, 2010 (Day 13)

Today is the first day that I didn’t wake up early to exercise.  I woke up at 5:00 and there was absolutely no way.  I had gone to bed at 11 but then woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep for a while.  I feel bad about not exercising, but I do plan to do it this evening instead.  We’ll see how it affects my eating today.  IT is mad at me for messing up my computer, so I’ve made a vow not to go onto any internet site unless it’s work related.  I’m going to be B-O-R-E-D from now on.  Hello food!  We’ll see how I handle it!  I feel good about the portions I’m eating for dinner and I feel good about sticking to my Slim-Fasts for breakfast and lunch.  All and all I’m proud of myself.  But I’ve been depressed the last couple days.  And I’ve been freezing cold for a couple weeks.  Something about not getting enough calories gives me the chills that I just can’t shake. 

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tired - Want to Eat

Apparently being tired out of my mind and hardly able to keep my eyes open makes me want to eat.

 

Thursday, February 4, 2010 (Day 12)

Oh, I am SO in need of sleep!  Parent-teacher conference was last night so I didn’t get home until later than usual.  Which means I went to bed later than usual.  Which means I woke up later than usual.  I got up to my alarm (at 5 a.m.) and reset it for 5:20.  I wanted so bad to just set it for 6:30 and not exercise, but my heart wouldn’t let me do it.  My mind knew I should, but I just couldn’t.  I knew I would have an awful day if I did that.  So I slept another 15 minutes and then got up and walked.  I couldn’t bring myself to do the 3 pound hand weights, so I used some wrist weights that I’m guessing are 1 pound each.  I just strapped them on my wrists and walked like normal.  I wanted to do weights last night, but I didn’t.  Hopefully I’ll get to do them tonight.  I’ve been doing stomach crunches while sitting on the train and on the bus (just tightening my abdominal muscles as tight as I possibly can and holding them as long as I can.  Don’t know if it is doing anything, but it can’t hurt.  I had my Slim-Fast for breakfast and lunch.  I feel like I’m dragging today.  I’m certain it’s from lack of sleep and not the diet.  My stomach was a little off last night and this morning because my body is no longer used to that Café Rio salad stuff!  But I think it’s all cleared out and I’m back to normal.  I drank a Slim-Fast for dinner last night.  I actually wasn’t hungry until about 10:00 so I drank it in bed.  J  I was going to just skip it and save the calories, but I figured I’d be dead by morning if I did that, and there would be no way I could exercise after not eating for 20 hours.  Not that drinking it seemed to help me at all this morning.  Man it was rough.  Since I woke up late I figured I’d just walk for 30 or 45 minutes.  I couldn’t stop the treadmill when I got to those markers.  I guess it’s my OCD.  I’m supposed to walk for an hour and by golly I was going to walk for an hour!  So then I had to rush like crazy to get ready and get out of the house on time.  Oh well.  I feel good that I walked the full hour and made it to work on time.  I’m just so stinkin’ tired.  I feel like eating junk food.  Tired = Want to Eat.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Wednesday, February 3, 2010 (Day 11)

You’ll recall that I ordered a plain jane salad from Café Rio for today’s lunch meeting.  They totally screwed up my order and I got a regular salad with everything on it.  I did get the vigegarette, that’s something.  Besides being more healthy (I assume) than the creamy tomatillo dressing, it was a lot more flavorful and I only ended up using half the container.  I didn’t eat the tortilla with cheese.  I wanted to, but didn’t.  I picked off all of the tortilla strips off the top.  I was actually full long before I finished, but I kept eating.  I thought about stopping, but there was no way.  It was too yummy!  I’m surprised that I’m not as mad at myself as I normally would be.  I think my body has been craving calories anyway.  I didn’t feel too good yesterday afternoon and evening.  Plus, I not only did I walk for my hour this morning at 3.2, but I added 3 pound hand weights for 45 minutes.  I was sweating even more than normal – and that is a LOT!  I’ll drink my Slim-Fast for dinner tonight and it’ll all be okay.  I’m looking at this set-back as good in the fact that maybe it will tell my body I’m not starving.  Plus I still have 3 ½ weeks until my next weigh-in.  I’ve been doing so great and it isn’t like I ate the tortilla and tortilla strips and all the melted cheese, and creamy dressing.  And I drank water with my lunch instead of the free soda.  I’m feeling just great.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Cafe Rio

I have a few different section meetings each month.  These meetings are lunch meetings and lunch is provided for free.  More than not wanting to look stupid drinking my Slim-Fast while everyone else eats yummy food, I can’t pass up a free meal.  Tomorrow’s meeting is being catered by Café Rio.  Here is my order:

Fire Grilled Chicken Salad

No Tortilla w/Cheese

No Beans

No Rice

No Guacamole

No Tortilla Strips

No Cheese

Extra Pico

Cilantro-Lime Vinaigrette

+Side of the hot enchilada sauce

(So it’s clear, I want lettuce, grilled chicken, and pico).  Plus the side of hot enchilada sauce. 

It’s pathetic.  I feel good for ordering healthy, but I’m afraid I’m not going to enjoy it.  Normal people can get a salad and can’t finish it.  I get the salad, with everything on it, and I can finish it, including the tortilla at the bottom.  I’m planning to use the pico instead of salad dressing, but if that doesn’t work, I’ll eat some of the dressing.  Notice I didn’t get the house, yummy creamy tomatillo dressing.  Oh well.  I have another section meeting Thursday.  I’m guessing it is from Meyers.  Usually lasagna or chicken enchiladas.  Sides of chips and salsa or creamy fruit salad with cool whip, and extra thick brownies with tons of frosting.  Usually this comes with a green salad – so that’s what I’m planning to eat Thursday.

 

Tuesday, February 2, 2010 (Day 10)

I’m pretty happy about this morning.  I threw in a few minutes of jogging during my walking.  Literally.  I walked at 3.2 the full hour, but 4 times during that hour I bumped it up to 3.5 and jogged for 1 minute each time.  I haven’t decided if I want to jog or not.  I don’t want my knees to start hurting.  We’ll see.  I just basically do what my body feels like doing at the time.  Last night’s dinner was spaghetti.  I just had tomatoes and mushrooms in the sauce, not the hamburger.  So apparently carbs in spaghetti are good for my workout.  Although I’m starting to think it makes no difference what I eat the night before.  I’m wondering if my plan to weigh in every 4 weeks is way too difficult.  We’ll see if I can do it.  I find myself wanting to lose a lot more than 2 pounds per week.  I know I shouldn’t but that doesn’t help.  Whatever.  PS – I thought I bought peas the other day, I went to cook them for dinner a couple nights ago, found we don’t have any, and now I’ve been craving them for days.  I love peas.  I’m sick of carrots.  I don’t really like carrots.  Well, without ranch anyway.  I’m happy that I’ve been satisfied with my Slim-Fast and healthy dinners!  I’m actually in a bit of shock still.

Monday, February 1, 2010

216 Pounds (Sunday, January 31, 2010)

I lost 9 pounds last week.

Monday, February 1, 2010 (Day 9)

I had a great weekend. I woke up Saturday and Sunday mornings and exercised before I started my day. I did weight and squat/lunge and stomach work Sunday afternoon. And I spent Saturday night cleaning the house, including sweeping and mopping. I love having that done! I didn't crave anything all weekend. I was happy with my Slim-Fast and healthy dinner. Actually, I did crave Frosted Mini Wheats Saturday afternoon, but that was because I didn't eat breakfast or lunch and I had bought some at the store. And they're healthy anyway. So I had that for my lunch with my fat-free milk. Yum! I felt like it was a treat, but I didn't feel guilty. I feel so great. Oh, and as you'll recall, I decided I would weigh myself each time I start a new birth control pack. Guess what I did Sunday? You guessed it. I'll post my weigh-ins as separate posts, so they'll stand out. But I am so excited. Made it easy to wake up this morning and get walking!

Friday, January 29, 2010 (Day 6)

It was hard for me to get up and exercise this morning. I was up late helping Cayden with his book report that’s due today. Then he woke me up at 2:30 this morning because his teeth hurt really bad (he got springs put on his braces yesterday and they’re tight). But, by the time I shut off the alarm and used the bathroom, I had convinced myself to at least try to go get dressed and exercise. The house was freezing, but I turned on the heat and by the time I had gotten dressed for the treadmill, I was feeling okay and ready to go. It was sort of a bummer morning. I had to fight for every 20 minutes and every mph. I tried 3.2 the whole time like yesterday, but it wasn’t happening. I ate beef roast last night with spinach and red-wine vinagerette. So I guess eating right the night before isn’t what helped yesterday. Maybe the amount of sleep. I’ll keep working at figuring out the key! I did my hour on the treadmill and, again, feel great. I love the way things are going this week. I’m excited that I’ve worked out every day this week and I’ve decided not to take rest days. I’m not working out hard enough to warrant muscle recovery and all that. I think I’m going to take the kids and dogs to the park tomorrow if it isn’t too cold. I can’t believe I want to do that. I haven’t had motivation to take them to the park for months and months! Even when it was warm. I like it!

Food Addiction

I worked with a woman about 5 years ago that mentioned food addiction. I thought at the time it was sort of funny and that they have a name for everything now. She had once weighed hundreds of pounds and lost hundreds and was a good weight. She worked hard to keep it that way. The more I think about food this week, the more I wanted to find out about the idea of food addiction. Turns out it is a true disease. It consists of the same brain chemistry and same emotions as any other addiction. The only difference is that the “drug” of choice is food. I emailed this friend that I worked with and she sent me back an awesome email that I really appreciated. I am going to look into the church sponsored program for addiction. And I’m picking up some books from her this afternoon. I’m excited to learn more and hopefully get over this!

Lani's Email:
I think there are a lot of things out there that are beneficial. I'm sure you could find a ton of stuff online or at the book store. Through all the years that I've been dealing with it, I have come to one conclusion. When I eat the food, I'm attempting to fill an empty space in my soul. Same thing with when I spend money. Same thing with anybody and any type of addictive behavior. You must view your food issues as a true addiction....just like alcoholism. And once an addict, always an addict. There is no way to get over it....but it can be managed, and you can live with it.
Years ago I participated in numerous meetings of Overeaters Anonymous....which is based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a 12-step program, and the basis of the program is turning your life over to a higher power (as you choose to define it. I choose to define it as Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ). About 5 years ago, the church began a substance abuse recovery program patterned after the 12-steps of AA, but instead of referencing a "Higher Power", it is stated to be Jesus Christ. The church sponsored groups are considered a "mission" of the church. They hold meetings every day of the week, somewhere in the Salt Lake Valley, (and I would assume somewhere in Utah County as well. The program was initiated in the SL Valley to see how successful it would be, but I know it is now utilized in many places. Each meeting is presided over by a set of LDS missionaries who have been called specifically to serve as substance abuse missionaries. Most of them are recovering addicts themselves, or have family members who are in the throes of addiction of some type; most of them are husband/wife teams....usually one spouse is the recovering addict, and the other is the one who "stands by their side." They also use the Book of Mormon as a study guide. They also use another book called "He did release me from bondage." (I don't remember the author).
Anyway....having participated in Overeaters Anonymous and the church sponsored 12-step meetings, I can tell you that I prefer the church sponsored ones, if only that there is a slightly different spirit there, and because they acknowledge Jesus Christ as the "higher power" and teach concepts from the Book of Mormon. But any 12-step program patterned after the one used by AA is great. I think everyone needs to participate in one from time to time. It's like the most personal, accepting, supportive testimony meeting you could ever go to. The church program is open to anyone who wants to attend....not just members. They are there to help addicts of all types....sexual, drug, food (over-eating, anorexia, bulimia), gambling, alcohol, co-dependents, shopaholics, etc., etc., etc. It's all the same disease, just with a different "drug" of choice. And it is truly a disease from which you are never healed. You can recover....and you can live in a state of recovery for extended periods of time. But there are times of relapse as well....for everyone.
I personally believe that food addictions are the hardest to deal with. If you are addicted to alcohol....you just remove alcohol from the house....you stay away from bars, etc, etc. If you are addicted to nicotine....you stay away from cigarettes. If it's porn....you avoid it like a plague. But food is the one thing you cannot live without. You would never think to tell an alcoholic, go ahead....have a sip of alcohol three times a day. But those of us who are addicted to food must somehow come to terms with letting the "beast" out of the cage three times a day, and then putting it back into the cage so it can't kill us. We can't go "cold turkey" from food. We can't eliminate it from our life. It's not easy. I'm in a relapsing stage right now. I have been for about 18 months. I'm always one step away from a binge. I eat to celebrate something wonderful....I eat when I am sad...when I am tired....when I am stressed...when I am mad....when Amanda pushes my buttons. I truly hate food! Yep....I'm an addict.
And after all the meetings I've been to, and all that I've read, I know that when my relationship with HF is not on track, then my addictions are out of control. I have a hole in my heart that cannot be filled....not by food...not by shopping....not by any external thing. The only one who can save me is JC. The 12-steps take you through the process of healing and recovery.
It's long....It's hard. But you have to fix what is wrong in you heart and your head and your spirit, to truly get over it.
Talk with you Bishop if you want to participate in the church sponsored groups and he can give you a listing of when and where all the meetings are....or you can find Overeaters Anonymous in the phone book.
I know this sounds drastic....and you may be in denial, and say...."Well, I'm not that bad." But if you think you have an addiction problem...then you probably do...and the good news is that acknowledging it is the hardest part....and it is the part that sets you on the road to recovery. Truly, truly.
I love you, and as a food addict myself....my heart aches for the suffering and misery you are experiencing. I know it can get better. I know it can get worse. It's up to you....it's up to me. Our savior is truly JC.....in so many more ways than you have ever imagined.

Thursday, January 28, 2010 (Day 5)

Today is day 5. I woke up this morning and was pumped to get on the treadmill. I’ve been willing to get up all week, but today was the first day I actually looked forward to it. And instead of a few times on 3.2 mph, I was on 3.2 the full hour. Actually, there was about 5 minutes toward the beginning that I was feeling my shins so I lowered it to 3.0 until I was fully warmed up. I’m not sure if it’s coincidence or not, but I’m thinking that perhaps the dinner the night before the workout has something to do with the workout. I felt blah yesterday, after my binge on mac and cheese. Last night I had a boneless and skinless chicken breast baked with a little lemon pepper. And green beans. And my workout this morning was awesome. Ray bought a beef roast and spinach for dinner tonight. I guess I’ll also mention that he bought mac n cheese too. I’m going to try and avoid it this time. We’ll see how that goes. I was sitting on the bus last night and had a bit of a chill. I buttoned up my coat. This seems insignificant, except that for a while now I haven’t been able to. I’ve only been able to button a couple at the top. They all buttoned and stayed that way. I can’t wait until I can zip it up and be comfortable too.